thinking...

thinking that i am going to do my own "Clean Sweep" to the house... empty out each room totally and then ONLY put back what we really need/want/love. not all the extra crap that we have, just because we have it, or because we haven't gotten rid of it yet. lol

i'm still thinking about this because I'm not totally sure I have the ambition or energy to do this... we'll see.

Tilt-A-Whirl

~ I feel like I have a tilt-a-whirl in my stomach. It's the feeling I have had for a few weeks now, or maybe it's been a few months. I try not to think about it or let it "really" exist, so most of the time I ignore it. But lately it's getting more persistent. Faster, harder and affecting more than just my stomach. My hands are shaky. My patients are shot. I have almost a constant headache or at least a dull ache in my head most of the time. It takes me longer to fall asleep then ever in my entire life.

I kept trying to ignore this feeling, hoping it would just go away. It hasn't, like I said, it's worse. So, as of yesterday I tried something different. I tried to attack it by doing some of the things on my LONG and DAUNTING "to do" list. Yesterday I didn't feel that anxious. Yesterday was pretty good. I guess that I'm going to try it again today. I just don't know where to begin. Well that is not entirely true, I know there are a few places that I could begin, and just beginning at all would be good, so no matter where I start, at least it will be a start!

Wondering why in the world my body is reacting in such a manor lately has me even more on edge. I know I have said that I've felt anxious before, or nervous, or stressing, but honestly I had NO clue what these feelings were till they have a FULL FORCE attack on my body! I just hope I can stand strong and not let them get the best of me... trying to counter act bastards is hard, I'd like to stay in bed sleeping all day instead.

~ Monday July 24th 2010 ~

~ I couldn't think of title for today, so thought the date would work okay. I'm not sure what I'm feeling lately. I guess a little bit of every emotion, so it's coming out pretty confusing.

~ I'm anxious and NERVOUS to start school in about five weeks. I know a HUGE part of it is because of not doing the Summer work that I have to get done yet. I have started my review of last year, and I'm feeling like I don't really remember a lot of what I should definitely KNOW!! That doesn't help much. I think that I'm feeling like I'm not remembering it because that is how I'm letting myself feel about it, not that I really don't remember or know the information. Sure, there is a lot of data that to cover, but I did it already, and I did good on it all. I had between a 88-95 average last year. I'm very happy with my grades, sure some could have been better, but that was the times that I should have worked harder or studied more, but I know that. The times I worked my butt off, put in the time and did what I had to do, I did great. There were lots of 100's and high 90's, and I was extremely proud of myself. I'm not sure why all of a sudden I'm doubting my ability to continue with this nursing course and become an LPN. I'm scared shitless to put it quite honestly. I'm scared I won't remember enough or anything from last year, I'm scared that I'm not going to have a clue what to do when school starts. I'm nervous about what I will do with my children when I have to be in school for so many more hours this coming semester compared to last year, I'm scared that I won't do well academically, I'm scared I won't be able to get it together and do well in clinical and that I won't be able to figure out my nursing packets, I'm scared I won't even make it to the boards, let alone pass them. UGH!! I'm a wreck!!

Next year is so grueling. But, I have to try to keep my head high and know that I can do it, that I will succeed. That I have made it this far, all on my own, that I have worked to get to where I am, and because of that drive, I can do anything that I set my mind to!! I have to some how regain my confidence. I have to get my butt in gear, get to my books, read, study, write and do what I have to do to get to feeling like "I can, and I will do this!!" I have NO other choice. None! Failure is NOT an option for me.

I guess I just needed a moment to vent, and give myself a pep talk to get in the right mind set or close to the right mind set to get going on summer work and feel like I can go into class in September and DO THIS!!!

I hope this worked. I'm off to start some laundry and then work on some school work. There are some other emotions behind all these feelings, but I think I'll save them for another post... while I'm feeling semi-motivated, I should go with it.

ahhhhhh.... loving my life, just a little scared to live it!!

ugh

ugh. that is the ONLY way to describe how I'm feeling today. :( Not feeling well at all, I think mostly it's stress and aggravation. Not sure though. I feel sick to my stomach, but not like I'm going to be sick. More like an anxious feeling. More like I just have too much to do and not nearly enough time to do it all. I'm STRESSED to the max. I have school work and cleaning and packing to go away and getting the kids and myself ready. Getting the kids to behave and not torture each other. Nothing is working. I have a headache. I have to get up and do all this stuff but with no place to start... at least that is how I feel. I know there is a place to start... but it just seems over whelming to me. All of it. Even the littlest tasks seem out of my reach.

I'm going to finish typing this, take a deep breath, and try to move forward, at least take one step.

Wish me luck.

~ Gone Campin'

~ Just made some last minute plans for camping this coming weekend. :) although slightly stressful to get all the plans together, it's planned and we have reservations!! woo hoo!!

~ We leave on Friday, after Bryan gets home from work, and we'll come home on Sunday. It's a short get-away but a get-away none-the-less. Heather and Chris are going to go with us, their first time with their new camper, and they are also going to bring Nick & Kendall, Heather's brother and sister. Nick & Trevor will have a great time together and I'll help out with Kendall so it should be all good. My parents are also going and I think they are going to bring Julia, so that will be good. Three little girls don't get to play together that often and they love to play with each other.

~ My kids have been driving me up the wall the last few days!!!! UGH!!! they are constantly whining at me, and fighting/bickering with one another. It's completely making me NUTS!!! ~ so I'm hoping that this will help us all.

~ So today I'm going to try to finish up the house work, do some homework and also try to hang in there.... and not loose my mind!! :S ahhhhhhhhhh

:) Happy Friday!!

~ It's FRIDAY!!!
Well almost every day feels like Friday when you are on Summer Break, but we are happy here because it means that it's the weekend for Bryan and all our family and friends, and we will get to hang out with them!

There has been a lot of weird and crazy stuff going on around here lately... some of it is completely a MESS and some of it we just have to shake our head out and wonder what the hell people are thinking!!! seriously.

I plan on doing some blog posts about all the stuff that is going on... just to sort it out in my own head and also to keep record of it. Some of it I just can't believe is really happening so it will be nice to be able to sit down and look back on all these times in our lives. Hopefully I'll find some time soon to type it all out... there is so much to tell and so many details that I don't want to leave out.

About FRIDAY though... I'm excited... We have a babysitter for the kids tonight, thanks to my wonderful parents, and we are actually going to go out to dinner and find something FUN to do with Heather & Chris!! It has been a while since Bryan and I had a babysitter and did stuff without the kids, so this will be nice.

Then tomorrow we have a TON of stuff going on... Bryan is on call and planning on working and then the girls both got invited to two different parties, and both parties are for their BFF's from pre-k... and they are BOTH at the SAME TIME!!! ugh. not sure what to do yet... but I think we are going to try to go to both! I just can't not go to one or either. Then Sunday is MX races, that I think we will go to. Trevor isn't racing this year, because he is scared of his new bike and unsure of how he will do racing it. :( Poor little guy, if he just gave it a try he would be fine, but we don't want to push him.... we'll see when he is ready he'll be ready. ;)

So that is all for now, and since I haven't done too much in the house since the other day I'm going to work on that some more, and I want to clean my car today to for my HOTTT date tonight with my husband!!

Progress...

~ Making some progress with housework! Feels good. The kitchen is pretty much done, just have to wash the run from in front of the sink and it's pretty much a wrap. I mean, sure there is some cleaning and organizing I could do in the pantry and under the sink, but that is the least of my worries right now. Maybe after I tackle all the other messes, I can get to those "minor" details. :)

~ Going to take a picture of the kitchen, for two reasons. 1. so I can show the "before" & "after" pictures on the blog, and 2. because who knows how long it will actually stay looking like this. ;)

~ Starting more laundry and then a quick stop to freshen up the bathroom, it's pretty clean, I do it most often because it's the smallest and easiest room to keep clean. lol

~ Hopefully I can get the entire upstairs of the house cleaned up and looking good today, then tomorrow maybe I can attack the downstairs! ~ We'll see. I'm thinking that plan is quite ambitious... it might even take me all the rest of the week to get upstairs done.